Exercise and running were great, but they couldn’t save his marriage.

Brian was a programmer. He loved it when things worked – like when a program operated without glitches. Brian worked at a high profile tech company. He wasn’t crazy about the administrative part of his job, but when a programming project came together, he loved it.

Brian was also creative and fun. He’d get swept away in music that spoke to him and he loved great photography. He was a fan of sci-fi, comic books and fantasy. He passed on his love of comic book superheroes to his 9 year old son, Jake, including on Tuesday nights when they watched The Flash together.

Brian was married to Trisha. For the longest time, they were a great fit. Even after Jake was born, things were pretty smooth. They had the occasional “bumps,” but who didn’t? Their usual argument was about money. He told Trisha she spent irresponsibly, and Trisha accused him of being cheap. Over time, their small disputes turned into larger ones and the space between them grew wider and wider.

When the home stress got to him, Brian turned to exercise. He loved to run. Being “in the moment” was freeing. Brian usually ran on Saturday mornings. At first, Trisha was supportive. But as Brian increased his running to include once or twice a week after work, Trisha complained that it was taking time away from the family. Brian felt Trisha didn’t appreciate all the things he did for the family. He worked hard to be a good provider and he felt he at least deserved this time for himself.

One day, Trish asked Brian if he was having an affair. He wasn’t. He’d started running with some friends from work, but that was all. Given the mounting unease at home, he enjoyed the release of engaging in a fun activity with no-pressure friends who didn’t judge him. Although he didn’t share that last part with Trisha, Brian explained that he wasn’t cheating. Trisha said she believed him, but he could tell she really didn’t.

Brian felt a lot of anxiety about his marriage ending, so he convinced Trisha to go to couples therapy. They went for a few weeks, but then one day, in session, Trisha said, “I want a divorce.” The words hit Brain hard. He knew they’d drifted apart, but he didn’t expect Trisha to give up on them that easily. Even though it was painful, in his heart, Brian knew it was coming. There was even a part of him that was relieved she’d said it first.

After that session, Brian’s anxiety skyrocketed and he felt an array of feelings – embarrassed, worried, uncertain, scared, and angry. He couldn’t sleep. The stress was relentless. Brian’s parents divorced when he was about Jake’s age, and it wasn’t pretty. He didn’t want Jake to experience the pain he’d felt. Brian also had friends who’d divorced. He’d heard their horror stories of how nasty and expensive it was. How would he and Trisha share Jake’s time and the day-to-day responsibilities of raising him? He couldn’t bear the idea that he wouldn’t see Jake every day. How much child support would Brian pay? How about support for Trisha? The fear that he couldn’t support two separate households or worse, he’d live hand-to-mouth without saving for his future felt overwhelming. Trisha had gone back to work as a bookkeeper about five years ago, but he still made a lot more money than she did. What would happen to their house? Where would they each live? Would he lose the 401(k) he worked so hard

to build up? How was he going to completely revamp his future plans to no longer include his marriage to Trisha? How much of their hard earned savings were going to go to lawyers? Could he afford all of this? He felt trapped and unanchored for the first time and it was overwhelming him.

Brian shared his worries with his running buddy, Malik. Malik told Brain about mediation. Brian called a mediator and learned about no-court divorce options like Mediation, negotiation, and Collaborative Law.

Brian decided he’d talk to Trish about their divorce options. While he didn’t know what they’d ultimately choose, he knew he wanted an in that let them decide what was best and which would spare Jake the pain of experiencing a nasty divorce fight. Brain also wanted an option that left him and Trisha with some dignity and which conserved their resources. He was relieved these options existed.